“Don’t Get Attached.”

Hey Guys,

“Don’t get attached.” 

At one point or another I’m sure you’ve heard this over and over again. Regardless of what subject it is relating to, at some point in your life you have been told that either by a friend or family member or even a stranger. And I’m here to always give my honest opinion, so here it goes.

It is a bunch of garbage. It’s something people say when they don’t know what other advice to give you.

We are humans, we like, we dislike, we love, we hate. There are few things in life that we are completely indifferent to, that you will have no feelings about it. You will always have a feeling towards something, whether good or bad. So to say to someone “don’t get attached” is to basically say “don’t have feelings about this.”

The times I hear this the most is in relation to boys. I see a boy I like, automatically I hear: “Don’t get attached, you don’t know him that well, you could get hurt.” Well here’s a newsflash about myself, I always think with my heart and not my brain. I do what feels right, not necessarily what may be the easiest or smartest decision. Therefore especially when it comes to boys I often think with my heart. And to be honest, I like that about myself. I like the way it makes me feel, and I think it makes me unique. Does that mean that I get hurt sometimes? Yes. But do I grow from it? Yes. And why would you do something if your heart wasn’t in it? Recently I have been going on dates with a boy. (ooooooo)  As time goes on and I get to know him, feelings start to develop. And as time goes on and we keep talking and keeping getting to know each other, I keep seeing things I like and don’t like. But as I start doing that, I get people telling me: “Don’t get attached.” Umm, so you want me to have no feelings towards this potential boyfriend? So why go on dates if you are not going to develop feelings? It just doesn’t make sense.

So yes, I am going to get attached. I am the kind of person that gets attached to a cute puppy I see across the street, because it’s adorable and I want it. Also I know what I want, and when that happens I put my heart into it to get it. So I will keeping getting attached, and I will keep getting hurt. But at least I know, I’m putting everything I have into it and will never wonder “what if I had put more into it?”

Truth is, I know everyone who does this just wants me not to get hurt and not to be upset when it doesn’t work out. But life is a roller coaster. And a roller coaster isn’t fun if it doesn’t have ups, downs, loops, upside downs and flat points. Because if we didn’t have the hurts and the downs, we wouldn’t appreciate the highs as much as we. So as much as it sucks to be hurt and upset, I’m okay with it because I know that that just means I’m one down closer to the final stop, prince charming.

Now, that is not to say things are going sour with the new boy. In fact, they are going really well. So I’m happy. But the next person who tells me “Don’t Get attached” I might have to lecture them. 

Remember, it’s okay to get attached. It’s human. And honestly, I encourage it.

Much love always!


Why is Job Searching Stressful?

Okay so let’s tackle a topic that unfortunately has been a reality for me way too many times in the short two years since graduation.

Why is job searching so darn stressful?

Well let’s review a few things.

1) I graduated from a top 30 college. (Worldwide). Even I forget how good it was.
2) I have only graduated 2 years ago. I should’ve graduated with a job and should probably still be at that job.

But unfortunately/ fortunately my life has not been like everyone else. The positive is that with all the different things I’ve done, I’ve met different people, gained different experiences and have been able to move around. (Also, as you may know I’m a strong believer in things happen the way they’re meant to.) Now the negative, It is really damn stressful, tiring and discouraging. While all your friends are happily in a secure job with a steady pay and living on their own, you’re sitting here working a temporary job living at home and definitely not making enough as you should.

So here’s a few reasons I believe it’s so stressful to go on a job search.

1) You’re having to do a lot of research over and over again.

2) When you get no response or get rejected, you always feel you’re not good enough. It’s an draining emotional experience, because you put your all into it. You want to feel validated and that’s not always the case when nothing is sticking.

3) If you’re like me and have no idea what you want to do its good and bad. The good is you have a large pool to fish from. The bad thing is, you have a large pool to fish from. It’s hard to focus on one thing when you’re not sure what you want. And nothing sounds entirely exciting or exactly what you want.

I guess in conclusion, it’s an incredibly draining process and hopefully it works out in your favor and you find something you’d love to be doing. So if you’re like me, reentering the job search process, lift your head up and be excited for the opportunities that might come with it. Don’t forget, you’re amazing and you will find something unique and incredible that other people will be jealous of. It might not be the first job, but you’re willingness to continue searching and not settling will be sure to take you to incredible places.

And here’s a little something my dad just said to me this weekend: “Stop watching other people’s lives, and start living your own life.”

Remember, you’re not the only one going through it!

Much love!

I’m Yelling Tinder

Hello Hello,

So for quite some time I’ve heard about the app called Tinder. I never really knew what it was about or what happened there. So three days ago, a very slow day at work, I decided why not download it. I thought about it for a bit because these things are not really my cup of tea. But i figured I had nothing to lose. So I got the app.

If you don’t know what Tinder is, let me explain. It automatically connects to your Facebook as soon as you click to sign it (don’t worry they ask your permission first). So from that it gathers your information like your first name (it does not give out your last name, a great thing if you ask me), age and a few pictures. The point of Tinder is to find people close to you. Even though I’m not 100% sure how it does it, I think it gets the location of your phone, because sometimes the distances change if I go to different places. Your home page shows you a picture of a guy and then you either like it or not. Simple as that. If you both like each other then its considered a match. If either of you doesn’t like the other then you are not put in touch. It seems simple right? And I immediately thought: “Man if only real life was actually like this.” But the funny thing is as soon as I began, I felt really bad rejecting people. Because you are basically judging someone by their looks and then the little information that is provided on their profile. Their profile shows you a few pictures, an about you of about 1000 characters I believe, your shared interests (based on what you have selected on FB), and if you have any FB friends in common. So there I was on my phone rejecting guy after guy. They simply didn’t appeal to me. Go ahead judge me for judging a book by its cover. I’m all about knowing a person on the inside, that is why I have friends of all different walks of life. But the bottom line is in order to start something you must be physically attracted to the other person. And that’s the whole point of this app, find people you want to connect with (for more than friends, I think). Because you can select what gender to find and age and how far away.

Now when I told my coworker about this, she said something I really listened to “take everything with a grain of salt”. And I did. So here I was, on an app that I wasn’t really all too comfortable with. And no I did not expect to find prince charming or love on it. Haha, not at all.  I was just a lonely girl, looking to talk to some cute boys. Nothing wrong with that. (Guys sometimes think they’re the only ones who can have innocent fun. And that we’re slutty if we do. I’m here to tell you that it is not slutty and that we are entitled to the same thing.)

And then a few cute guys began popping on my screen. But I did somewhat stick to my thumb rule of them being good people (as far as I could tell). Any hot or cute guy that seemed like a genuine jerk was a definite n-o (No matter how gorgeous they were). So as I began liking pictures, I began getting matches. And then came something I didn’t expect, a certain self-confidence. It has been a very long time since I have been approached by guys and been told I’m pretty or what not. Now, don’t get me wrong I like myself a lot and do think I am beautiful. But its very different when guys approach you and tell you so. And then it started that every single guy I like, had liked me too. I mean every single one. And then even though I was gaining a confidence boost, my skepticism also arose. And all I could think was “man if this reflected real life, I would never be single.” And so until now my record remains that every guy I’ve liked has liked me. (like I’m not exaggerating. Its been about 30 guys.) But I am not here to boast or talk about how I’m being liked. (That was just something I had to share because it does not seem real or accurate.)

From those likes, there have actually emerged some pretty nice guys. And of course some dirty boys who I ignore or block, but lets focus on the good. I do not plan on meeting any of them alone soon because I am very aware that bad things happen in the world. (I watch too much Law & Order) So if I was to ever meet any of these guys in person it would be with friends, and in public places. But it just made me think that, as crazy and as weird of an app that it is, it’s a great tool to meet people. You just have to be careful, don’t give out too much information about yourself. ( I swear I don’t watch that much Catfish….) But there’s nothing wrong with making new friends.

The hopeless romantic in me, is always hopeful as you never know what could happen. (I mean isn’t this relatively similar to all those dating sites?? Finding someone attractive and wanting to connect.) To my skeptical friends reading, don’t worry I am fully aware that the chances of that happening are extremely rare.

Another point I’d like to make is to the girls. I wanted to prove something to myself and to the other girls out there. All the pictures I picked are for a reason. I wanted them to reflect me in the best way possible. Do I drink? Yes I do. Do I go out dancing in skirts and tight dresses? Yes I do. Am I a modest girl who even when I do go out don’t reveal too much? Yes I am. Will boys not like me because I don’t dress slutty and tend to dress more conservatively? No, they will still like me. (Proven by the fact that every guy has liked my profile even with the pictures below as the only pictures of me. I have no pictures with alcohol or with anything tight or revealing.) So girls, be you. Don’t dress with more skin showing or tight dresses because you think that’s what boys want. The truth is, boys may like to look at the less or tight clothes, but they respect a girl who respects herself. So take this as a lesson or proof, if you’ve been needing it.

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So was this all a social experiment? I could classify it as that. But let’s be honest, this began from boredom and loneliness. And it evolved into more as it went along. It’s been an interesting journey on these apps. So many guys own dogs (which is definitely a weakness for me). But so far I’ve had pretty cool conversations with the guys.

I will keep you posted if anything does happen to work out. ;) But for now, let’s all just have fun.

Much love.

Team USA’s Male Hotties

Hello Hello,

On a happier post and keeping in theme with the Olympics, I decided to create a post similar to one I created for the summer Olympics. Now it’s no surprise as a girl I take a closer look not at the sport but at the athletes themselves. It’s not to say I’m not enjoying the Winter Olympics. I love watching any Olympic event from Figure Skating, to Slopestyle Skiing, to the riveting Cross Country Skiing. I have literally watched at least 63.5 hours worth of Olympics. That is the equivalent of almost 3 full days. That’s a lot of time and I have actually learned a lot about sports I would otherwise have no clue about. Even though I still can’t tell you what a 960 Japan Air looks like or understand how they can land and ski backward. But let’s get to the fun stuff, the hotties. So there have been a few boys to catch my eye this Olympics, but only one truly won my heart.  So let’s begin.

6. Nick Goepper

So if you’ve heard his name associated with the Olympics it will probably be related to the #iwanttodatenick campaign. On Valentine’s day this Olympic Bronze Medalist announced he needed a Valentine. Well it all then grew into an actual competition to win a date with this adorable skier. He really does seem to be very funny and sweet. And best of all his twitter is full of him appreciating entries and answering tweets. I think in the end Nick will be getting dates for quite some time. He’s included in the list simply for the his charming chill demeanor, his silly shenanigans with fellow skiers and how can you resist that smile.


5. Charlie White

Now this bouncy haired boy has won gold and thousands of hearts with his genuine charisma and teamwork. He loves his sport so much he’s kept his real relationship on the down low. You can’t help but not smile when you see him smile. You just want to be best friends with him because he seems like the kind of guy to be there for you no matter what. He is perfectly paired with the graceful and adorable Meryl Davis. They truly make the most adorable pair and truly seem to be the best of friends.


4. Patrick Kane (& basically half of the hockey team)

I have no idea what it is about hockey players, but boy does that sport attract handsome men (even if they loose a teeth or two in a game). But coming from living in Illinois for 5 years I have to include the Chicago Blackhawks hottie Patrick Kane. His golden locks, blue eyes and charming smile has every girl swooning. I don’t know much about him other than he seems like the nice guy that may sometimes get overlooked. And that also, of course, he is a tremendous player (he did after all make it to the Olympic team).


3. John Daly

Now if you don’t know anything about this guy, know this: he participates in quite possibly the most dangerous sport in the Olympics. He basically dives head first into a slide of ice on a small board that goes up to 80mph. Yes he is in Skeleton (the name of the sport should tell you everything). You basically have to be insane to participate in this sport. But he does it well and is so far unharmed. The other great thing about this guy is his sense of humor. Now him and his roomie Steve Langton have a YouTube channel called “Daly Nitro”. If you have not checked them out yet, PLEASE DO. Their hillarious short videos will get you laughing even in the most inopportune moments (yes I busted out laughing at work and got asked several times why I was laughing so hard).


2. Steve Langton

Which takes me to my number two, John Daly’s partner in crime. This muscly bobsledder is truly a sight to be seen. A fellow Bostonian who is always very well dressed (even if it is a bit Bro-ish) seems quite shy on camera. During interviews he generally takes back seat to his teammates, but in his own video his sense of humor is full on. He seems like truly a great guy, just the kind of guy you bring home to meet your parents. Am I hopeful that one day walking around Boston I will bump into him? Heck yes I am. But I kind of would just love meeting him.

And now, for my number one not only because of looks but because of his golden heart (that has captured at least a piece of mine):

1. Gus Kenworthy

You might have heard his name associated with one thing during these Olympic Games: PUPPIES! That’s right this is that guy. This blue eyed hottie came into these games simply hoping to win a medal and compete in the Olympics. But he did so much more. He won his medal alright, a SILVER medal along with his fellow skiers Nick Goepper and Joss Christensen. Yep they swept the podium and I was so happy for them that day. Til this day when they show the picture of all three on the podium I can’t help but smile. But back to this adorable guy. He not only won a medal but a family too. He, along with others, saw the problem Sochi had with strays. But unlike everyone else he decided to act. The best part is he genuinely didn’t do any of it for publicity or any of that, he did it because that’s what felt right. And for that he won not only me over but thousands upon thousands of girls and moms (yes so many moms want him for their daughters). The cuteness of the puppies didn’t really factor in, even though they are so incredibly adorable, it was just the fact he saw a family of puppies and a mom struggling as strays and felt the need to do something about it. Truly amazing. Not only being an amazing athlete but a true kind human being. Also if you watched his races before every run he did the cutest thing possible. He’d look at the camera and say “Hi Mom!” and waved. It made me giggle every time. And if all that wasn’t enough, if you creep enough on his Instagram you’ll see what an amazing photographer and photo editor he truly is. He is a man of many talents. Overall he just seems like such an amazing guy. Any girl who gets to date him, is truly a very lucky girl.


Gus along with Nick and Joss (I speak of them as if we’re best friends on first name basis haha) are going to be in NYC all week long. And guess who will be there starting Friday and then the weekend, THIS GAL! So if fate is on my side (and I’m hoping it is) maybe Ill get to run into Gus and who knows, maybe sweep him off his feet. That would be the ultimate dream come true. Before I leave, I’ll leave you with the most adorable picture in the history of cuteness that was posted this morning. That’s the pup he’s keeping for himself, naming her Rosa.

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So that is all for my list of hotties. If you’re saying “but why did she not include this guy? or that guy?” All I can say is even though I have watched about 64 hours of Olympics, the US has over 200 athletes! There is no way I saw all of them or remember all of them. Of course I missed some or forgot someone, these are the ones that stood out to me. Also the beautiful thing in this world is, what’s attractive to me may not be attractive to you and vice versa. So before you get all judgy or yell at me, make your own list and post it. We’re all allowed to express our opinions, and I’d love to see what other people think! Thank you for reading this incredibly long (boy obsessed) post. I hope you have enjoyed it and I hope you are enjoying the Winter Olympics as much as I am. I am so proud of the entire Team USA!

Much love,


The Controversial Reporter

Okay so I just watched a video and I want to say my feelings are strongly towards disbelief and anger towards one person in particular. I was watching a video of 4 reporter debating what the reporter interviewing Bode Miller did. One particular reporter said “I think she did exactly what she was supposed to do. That’s what everyone wanted to see and that’s what everyone wanted to know. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what she did. And I really don’t understand the criticism.” (I may have paraphrased it a bit.) If you have no idea what this is referencing to, let me share.

On Sunday Bode Miller won Bronze in the Super-G competition. The reporter interviewed him after the race and after the results. But instead of asking about the race and about the medal, she instead asked about his brother. Bode’s little brother, who was trying to get to the Olympics, passed away just last year. Now she kept pushing with questions until he broke down crying.

Now, I may be a bit biased being that I also lost a younger brother this last year. And I understand as a reporter you are trying to get good stories. But just like anything else, there are limits. And she most definitely crossed one. Regardless of whether Bode went on to say that she was doing her job and there were no hard feelings involved, I don’t care. Reporters are there to get us stories and to be the people asking the questions we want to know. I get that. But still some things should be respected.

Right before his race I saw him look up at the sky and it looked like he was talking to the sky. Everyone who was watching saw this. And I’m pretty sure everyone knew exactly who he was talking to. So was the question necessary? No.
Personally when anyone asks about my brother, I feel rather uncomfortable mostly because of the way people are going to react to the news. Now if I had just competed my last race in the Olympics after losing the other 2 and won a medal, I would already be emotional. I’m not sure if you realize but the Olympics take a toll on everyone. Now you add on the fact of grief and wishing you could hug your brother after that win and knowing you can’t, makes it even harder. And then on top of that, you get a reporter (friend or not) asking you to talk about your brother on national television to the point where you break down entirely. That is just not okay. She had already asked 2 questions to which he had teared up, the 3rd was not necessary.

I guess the bottom line I’m trying to say is, the loss of someone is a touchy subject for all parties involved. I don’t care if you’re trying to get the best story possible, some topics can get too sensitive and should not be asked.
Funny thing is, the video I watched said the producer is in your ear telling you what to do, and telling you to keep going. And they were like what would you do? In my head I responded, take out the ear piece and ignore the person telling me to make someone break down on national television. Because you may be a reporter as a job, but you are a human being first and foremost so act like one.

Sorry for my ramble, that is all for me.

On other news, Bode Miller CONGRATULATIONS! Dealing with loss is hard and you just proved that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. Congrats on the Bronze buddy!

Much love,


When Funny turns Hurtful

This post is brought to you by anger, frustration and hurt.

For most of my life, I’ve constantly been mocked for my choice in men. The utmost truth is this: I like kind, funny boys, who tend to look younger (and by younger I don’t mean a five year old) because I look very young too. Now for most of my life I’ve been made fun of for liking boys with a younger look. I’m sorry I’m not into the big muscular older looking men. It’s not my choice, I’ve been like this since birth. Actually I’m not sorry, I don’t have to be sorry about for anything. I have also grown up learning to respect other peoples opinions and choices. So even though I got all this criticism, I never once (or at least not that I remember) said anything mean about the kinds of guys or girls my friends have liked. Because being on the receiving end of this has always hurt and I wouldn’t want anyone to feel what I feel. Most of the time, I took in high stride and laughed along. 

But this morning I hit a final straw. I woke up and like every other morning checked my phone for new messages and my Facebook. And what would I discover, something that truly upset me. I’m not going to say who or what the message said because that is irrelevant. All I will say is the message once again was making fun of my taste. But the word that got to me was ‘horrible’. Now I’m one that truly believes every word is powerful and needs to be used carefully. Throwing out the word ‘horrible’ to describe my taste in men, because it is simply different than yours is not okay. I have never dated anyone abusive, nor someone who’s put my life at risk or anything similar to that. So truly that word is used incorrectly. But worse than that it hurt. Because i knew the person very well I knew, they meant it as a joke. But i certainly didn’t feel that it was one. I am standing up and saying enough is enough. Just because I don’t like the same kind of people you do, does not make my taste better or worse than yours. It just merits no comparison.

All in all, even when you mean no harm be careful of the words you say. But the worst wasn’t even what was said, it was where it was said. We live in a world where everything relies on social media and anything you say on there sometimes never goes away. This post was on my Facebook, the most public vehicle possible. I have my parents, their friends, my friends and my coworkers as friends on my page. Posting something like that, means it will show up on their timeline (which I was informed it was there by my coworker). People more often than not say that they don’t care what other people say. But the truth is, seeing something so strong written about someone definitely makes you question your beliefs about the person and makes you think about things. It also eliminates any chance of a guy you are friends with on Facebook to ever even think they have a chance. Because the truth is, we do take in what other people say and even if we don’t want to it makes us think. So now, I’m pretty sure at least one person has changed their opinion of me. And at least one person is saying “no wonder she’s single. at this rate she’ll end up alone or in a horrible relationship.” When that is simply not true.

So the message is before you post anything publicly even if it is a joke between the two of you,think. Think carefully how what you write could affect the other person.


Hi Everyone,

So I’ve disappeared for a while. And to be honest it was the best thing I could have done. I basically cut off communication with most of the world and just hid. I was terrified of facing reality and of accepting something and its still hard. While my life turned upside down, the world seemed to go on like nothing had happened. That was a very angering reality to deal with. Although I never expected the world to completely stop for me, seeing everyone go on about their life while I felt like I was standing still was very difficult. I will never fully get over what happened, but it does get easier to deal with it a little bit every day. And with that comes getting my life together. Part of being lost, I will admit came from my end.

For me, one of my constant big challenges is staying motivated and optimistic while trying to find a job. This time things were different, while unemployed I was temping, which quite honestly was the best thing that could have happened to me. It gave me a few days to get out of the house and actually interact with other human beings while earning a little extra cash. But soon enough that became my excuse and still kind of is, even though I don’t want to fully admit to it.

Then came officially moving everything out of my apartment. That was a very hard step for me. Many of you reading this don’t know me personally, so you may not understand why this was particularly hard for me. I’m sure several of you are thinking: “Free rent? AWESOME! You wont have to cook every night? Heck Yes! You will have someone to drive you around? Man I want your life!” But the reality is, I am an independent person. Even though everything above is a bonus, going back to feeling like a teenager living under your parents roof is not all fun and games. Living on my own, I was independent. I did what I wanted when I wanted. If I wanted to drive down to Champaign? OK I’ll leave at 6. Wanted to go to a concert? No problem. Coming back home, rules have to be followed. I can’t go anywhere without giving my parents the details. For me I wasn’t just giving up my apartment, I was giving up my independence and freedom, along with the life and friends I had made in that city.

So that brings me to now. 23 years old (Oh yeah I got a year older) and still living at home. YAY! :/ Don’t get me wrong I love my parents and I appreciate everything they do for me. Also I’m not sure how I would’ve dealt with everything if I hadn’t moved back home. But the honest truth is that, it’s hard.

Then came the holidays. How would we cope with it? My mom decided the best thing would be to do the last thing you’d expect to do on Christmas. So we decided to go to the sin city, Las Vegas! And in the process stop by LA, Santa Barbara and San Francisco. Needless to say I was stoked! LA twice in one year and then SF on top of it. The trip was wonderful and it was exactly what we needed. My mom the entire time kept saying I can’t wait for this year to be over. In my head I kept responding, “The year being over isn’t going to change what has happened.” Bottom line is, I just didn’t understand why she wanted the year to be over so fast.

But then came the new year, and surprisingly a new long term temporary position. And as I got ready the night before my first day, I got it. I understood what my mom meant. New years are a time for fresh starts. True as it may be that things won’t change, a new start gives us the chance to change our attitudes. I again began feeling more motivated and excited for the new year. It was the strangest thing. I was willing to see friends again and go out and do things. This I knew was the real start to the new years we all needed.

So I guess what I’m trying to say with all this gibberish is, I’m back and I will be writing more. Not sure what I’ll be writing about yet, and yes some days may not be exactly good or happy but at least it’ll be honest and real.

Buckle in and let’s see what 2014 brings us!

Much love always,


Life has a way of working out…

So needless to say its been a while since I’ve written in here. 

A lot has changed in that time. And a lot that has changed my life. I went to LA, had an amazing time. Met all my favorite YouTubers. Had an amazing time enjoying the beautiful city. Ended my job in Chicago. Started a new one, but quit soon after. Then I got one of the most horrifying news anyone could ever get.

“Your brother has passed away.” Were the words I woke up to on Aug 15th. My 21 year old brother, who i had seen a little over a month prior, was now gone. He had come spend his birthday and 4th of July with me. August 15th was quite possibly the longest day of my life.

I woke up at 7AM to that news. Went to the airport, got a flight to Boston at 11am. Once I arrived everything was upside down at my house. Answering phone calls all day long, they never seemed to stop ringing as more and more people found out about the news. At midnight I had to go to the airport to pick up my grandmother and great aunt. It was surreal at first. But now 2 months later, it starts to sink in. I have moved back to Boston and currently am living at home. My life is basically turned upside down. But I don’t want to go on and on about all that. Today I realized something. And I realized how life has a funny way of working out. On the day my mom and brother were leaving Chicago to return to Boston, I took them to the airport. As they were about to enter security, I hugged my mom. I then hugged my brother, not knowing that was the last time I’d ever hug him, and I said so only he could hear: “Take care of mom, dad and Barbie (our little sister), and take care of yourself, okay?” He was like “Okay. And you take care of yourself.” 

I can’t help thinking that in this tragedy at least, the last words I spoke face to face with my brother were words that were going to ring true for the rest of my life and even in his after life. Because even though he’s gone, I know he’s still protecting us. I did speak to him on the phone one more time after I saw him, but I don’t think I could have ended with more perfect words. 

This week, his school held a memorial. Both me and my sister spoke at the memorial. She was impeccable. Held her own and spoke from the heart. Everyone laughed at all her witty comments. I obviously cried my eyes out before I was able to properly recite the words I had practiced so many times. She even offered to read mine, but I wanted to finish what I had started, I wanted to honor him. But it was 2 lines in my sisters speech that will stick with me for a very long time, and bring tears to my eyes every time I even think about. 

“But I know he’ll always protect me, because that’s just what big brothers do.” 

If you read this and you want to respond but don’t know how to, don’t worry. I know its a tough situation for everyone, and you may not always know what you should say. Trust me, I still don’t. 

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day, and I’m sorry if this was more tragic than normal. But sadly life isn’t always roses and butterflies. 

Much love (and today hug everyone you love),


Because Tonight I’m a Superhero, watch me fly…


So today I wanted to write about what happened yesterday since it’s fresh in my mind. So yesterday I had tickets to go see 5 Seconds of Summer’s acoustic set. I learned about 5SOS because they are 1D’s opening band. And i tried to avoid them as long as possible because they are so young, but when they’re standing in front of you on the stage it’s kind of really hard to do so. But nonetheless as soon as I heard their music, I was hooked. And now I quite possibly love them as much as One Direction. And if you know me that’s a big deal. So the ticket sale in itself was absolutely insane. They were sold out in less than 5 minutes. That’s how quick they all went, and I was lucky enough to get one. They cost $13 which was amazing, while the people that didn’t get it ended up paying $200 for their tickets on StubHub. So I get to the venue and get in line. It was actually a pretty short line considering the fact that I got there an hour and a half before they opened the doors. I made friends with the four girls in front of me, 2 were also there alone. Tiffany, my friend, unfortunately was in the group of people who wasn’t able to get a ticket. But in the end it worked out for the best, you’ll see why. So it was boiling hot outside and after 2 hours of standing outside they let us in. We get inside and wait another half hour before the show starts. Then they come on stage and I go crazy. I had made a poster earlier in the day and it was a pretty awesome poster if I may say so myself. (I’ll make a post with pictures later!)

Then they play a few songs the ones I do remember are: Out of My Limit, Beside You, Voodoo Girl (or Doll), Heartbreak Girl, Try Hard, Over and Over, Year 3000, and Teenage Dream. They were asked to do Unpredictable but this was Ashton’s response: “We tried to do it acoustically one time and it went horribly wrong, I swear everyone’s ears was bleeding.” He’s not one for the dramatics I swear… But as soon as the boys came out we all sang Luke Happy Birthday (because it’s today!) and he was like “that was so cute. Thank you. Ashton commented on how hot it was and then he said can i get a “F*** Yeah!” And of course we all replied really loudly. It was a little hard to see Ash because of the sound speakers but I know for sure Luke looked in my direction and that Calum read my sign because he did that cute little thing of sticking his tongue out as he was reading. During Heartbreak Girl some fan had brought several hearts saying Happy Birthday Luke on them and he was like “this is too cute. You guys are so cute.” Cute is probably his favorite word, becuase he used it a lot yesterday. And then he said now he wants hearts at every show. Aww he’s such a cutie. Also during Try Hard when Calum sang the line “I play guitar but she’s into drummers.” A lot of us cheered really loud, Ash got up and did some sort of like celebratory spin and somethig while Calum pouted and stopped singing. It was too cute for words. We were all sweating so much from singing and dancing. Obviously it would be my luck that my camera would fail to get ANY good pictures :( so I just filmed some of it. I guess that was good for Tiff to be able to see some of the performance. It really was so much fun though. Halfway through the set they were like “Question time! Luke how does it feel to be turning 17?” ANd he was like ‘I don’t know. Good I guess.” Then after some back and forth with that Luke turns to Michael and says “How did it feel to be 17?” And Michael sassily said “you’ll find out tomorrow.” It was so funny. Then during one of the songs they were doing really really deep voices and it was so funny. THen I think Michael said something like “we just went from boys to men.” Or maybe it was like “5 seconds of men.” I know he said something with men but im not sure what it was. Ash sang a couple times just him and we went crazy for him. ALso at one point Ash said it was so hot and of course we responded with “Take it off!” We all began chanting “Take it off! Take it off!” And he of course innocently said “Take off what? Wait what? Take off what?” But we just kept chanting. So he took off his shoe and put it in the air and said “There I took it off!” I laughed so hard! Then sweet innocent Luke said “well that escalated quickly.” It was great. For now those are allt he details I can remember.

Then it came time for the Meet & Greet. My new found friends and I really wanted to be towards the back so we wouldn’t be rushed out. So a lot of us kept playing the game of getting out of line and going to the back. But in the end we ended up being towards the back, even though we werent the very last ones. When the nerving time came to meet them, I had to give my poster to the guy to give it to the boys. And then it was my turn. I was a nervous wreck but I kept it very cool the entire time. When I walk up to the boys, I think (and I feeel really bad if it did happen this way) but I think Michael tried to  say hi, I’m not 100% sure . But I was facing Ash’s back, which by the way ughh to die for, and i put my hand on his shoulder and I’m like “But I want to stand next to you.” Because usually everyone was standing in between Lulke and Michael (standing wise it was Calum, Luke, Michael, and Ashton). And he turned around put both hands on my shoulders and I did the same and he looked deep in my eyes. “What?” he said. I took a second to just take in his beautiful face. “I want to stand next to you.” At this point inside my head I”m already like “OMG! I’m one of the girls getting a few extra seconds with the boys. And even though it’s just Ashton it’s still amazingly perfect.” And he responded with a “What?” I kid you not this back and forth actually happened. “I want to stand next to you.” I say with a smile. And then he smiles and is like “Oh okay!” And I sort of giggle. I then remember I’m supposed to give Luke a hug for Tiffany and so I awkwardly go around Michael but just putting my foot out to get closer to Luke. It probably looked so strange, I just didn’t want to miss my spot next to Ash. Luke is in the middle of conversation with Calum and I just throw my arms around him and bury my head in his chest and I was like “Happy Birthday!’ And he was like “Oh what? Thank you.” I caught him really off guard and it was so funny. I probably looked like an idiot. And then we all pose and take the picture. Right after the picture Ashton gets my attention by taking a step forward and saying “It was really lovely to meet you.”  I am then a bit disoriented at what just happened, I almost hugged their security guard which I laughed to myself about. TIffany missed the whole thing because she was looking at her phone. But then I left the line and went to sit next to her. While we sat there watching the boys the interactions between Luke and Calum (aka Cake) was to die for. They kept hugging each other and showing so much love towards one another. I cant even.. I then remember I forgot to give Ashton my cheeky little note. So as he’s taking pictures I am standing next to Tiff just watching the boys. At one point Luke looked in our direction, and I smile and wave. He sort of smiled back. So then In between some pictures, I look at Ashton and he looks at me and I show him the piece of paper. He looks at it and I signal that its for him and he nods understanding. That exchange of looks was also magical. Then the very last girl’s picture took forever to take because the lighting wasn’t working. So she stood there with them for forever. And all the boys were just getting so frustrated. Right after the first take of the picture he actually took a step in my direction to come get the note, which i was so happy but then he had to stay there to take the picture. And the girl at one point put her fingers on his face and pointed to the dimples, like she wanted them in the picture. And Ash smiled and she was like “that’s better.” And I was like “not uh, don’t you touch him like that and tell him what to do.” I obviously said this in my head. But he ended up sticking his tongue out so I was happy. The security then tried to kick us out. But Tiff was like we’re just at the restaurant. And he’s like “okay.” So we sat at the restaurant while all the other fangirls were outside waiting for them to come out. Ashton was the first to come out. Tiffany quickly goes up to him and is like “Ashton, can I have a hug?” And security was like “Keep it moving, Stay back.” But he ignored them and was like “Sure.” So he gives her a hug and I take the picture of that to which he is smiling. And then she’s like ‘Can I have a picture?” And he was like “Of course.” So I take the picture. I then walk up to him and I’m like ‘I didn’t get a chance to give you this.” And he’s like oh okay and looks me dead in the eye and smiled. He then turned to me and was like getting in place to take a picture with me too, but I just turned and said “Oh no I already got my picture at the meet and greet.” (Part of me is now kicking my own butt because I could’ve taken a pic with just Ash and have that.) But I could tell they were fed up with pictures so I wasn’t going to be greedy and get ANOTHER picture. And he surprised me with his reaction because he looked relieved and just smiled. And then the other girls there with us (There were maybe 8 of us at the bar.) took pictures with him. Then Luke comes out, who’s Tiff’s favorite and so I push her forward to take a picture with him and the other girls were taking pictures. Tiffany then asks him for a picture which I took and it was amazing! She also told him a happy early birthday. I then turn to him and say “Thank you for the show it truly was amazing.” He looked at me and was like “Thank you so much.” He looked SO exhausted. And then Tiff was like “You look so tired.” And he was like “I am.” And I was like “Well it was really hot inside so I’m sure that didn’t help,” And he was like “Well actually it wasn’t that bad. It was just meeting SO many people…” and then we got interrupted by someone so he went to take that picture and then he was walking out. Then right before Ashton leaves I turn to him and I’m like “Ash, can I get a proper hug?” He’s like “Sure.” So i put my arms tightly around him and say “thank you for an amazing show.” But he was really not in a good mood. The last people to get a picture (before they went in to get their stuff and come back out) was this Mom with her daughter who was our age, and they had a service dog. Someone from the boys team was jokingly kneeing Michael in the stomach and Michael was bending over pretending to be getting hit and so the dog got protective and jumped up. He must’ve hit Michael’s face cuz he had his hand on his eye and forehead. It was all so fast and the mood drastically changed in the room. So that mom was apologizing to Ash as I was hugging him. But his face was not happy. Which I felt really bad for him. Then Calum passes by but he wasn’t stopping for pictures, so I just said “Bye Calum” And just did a cute wave, and he gave me the biggest smile and wave. It was so adorable. That kid is so cute. Then I almost missed Michael but I looked around he was at a table talking to these girls and so right as he’s going towards the door I say “Bye Michael!” I thought he hadn’t heard me but then he turns around and looks straight at me and waves and smiiles. It was like literally the best thing ever. It was so perfect and amazing and fantastical. In hindsight I should’ve gotten another pic with Luke and Ash but I just didn’t want to bother them, they were SO tired and just not in the mood you know. So life has a really funny way of working out, because had Tiffany had a ticket, she would not have been at the bar, and we would’ve not been there when they left and we wouldn’t have been able to talk to them and get other pics with them. It literally was the most perfect thing ever.  Once we got outside, I got to see Ashton’s beautiful face once again as he appeared from the bus’s window. He told everyone to be quiet which it worked after a few tries. He then said “Hey guys, I’m so sorry we can’t meet all of you. But we love you all.” It was precious. Then fan girls went ahead and ruined it all with screaming at him to sign things and take selfies with their phones. I swear technology has ruined the whole being fangirls. There was so much yelling and I was pushed up against the bus because I was trying to leave. Not a fun experience. But I did enjoy seeing his face up close one last time before they left. :) He then tweeted “I need a cuddle.” Wish I could be the one cuddling him. :(

But in case that wasn’t enough life had to tease us a little more. So we decide to head to their hotel because I said “They haven’t had dinner, that’s probably what they’re doing right now.” So we hop on the train and head over to their hotel. We debated going back to my house to get my car, but we figured it was easier to just take the train and go on foot. So after getting lost for a little bit we decide to stop at McDonalds. I had been really nervous and anxious so the entire day all I had eaten was half a muffin and a miso soup and on top of that I was running on 2.5 hours of sleep. I was not very functional and I was very weak. So we go inside McDonalds and I picked a seat on a booth next to the window. From the window I could see Walgreens and behind me was Rainforest Cafe. We sat and ate until about 11 and at this point I was absolutely exhausted, So we decide I’m going to head home but we’re like let’s stop by their hotel just one last time. Right outside the McDonalds we were at, there were statues and I turn to Tiffany and I was like “I bet you they would totally stop and take pictures with them.” And so we decide to walk past their hotel and we get lost again and end up accidently walking past the hotel again. Right when we do Calum tweeted a picture of him and the gorilla that is right outside of Rainforest Cafe. Now you remember I said not even 20 minutes ago I was sitting NEXT to Rainforest Cafe. So you can only imagine how badly we freaked out knowing they probably walked past us when we were sitting at McDonalds. What are the odds? And how big of a tease is life for us not to have seen them. But later, a lot later, we figured out that he in fact had been going home. We thought they took that going out but it was on the way home. So we missed them by that much, which means that my intuitions are 100% right and they have been every time so far. I was the one who suggested going into the parking lot to go see if they were in the fun zone when they were in the driving range right next to it and we got to see them from afar. It still has not hit me yet that Ashton Irwin, that beautiful Australian boy touched me, and hugged me and talked to me and looked me deep in the eyes.

I cant even begin to describe all the feelings going through me right now. Because I am feeling like I’m going to explode. It was the best day of my life. This weekend has been incredibly fun and amazing. I’ve loved every second of it! :)

Fangirling over. :)



Rain Rain Wash it All Away

A few weeks ago, in a span of 8 days I had two entirely different experiences with rain. 

One was miserable, the other wondrous. 

The first one was in NYC. The day I lined up to see and meet Emblem 3. It rained the entire day. But not just rained, it was also quite cold. So from 3am to 7pm I was outside in the cold and wet from the rain that wouldn’t stop. I tried to not let it ruin the day and keep a positive attitude and it worked for the most part. But I was so miserable when I was outside in the cold. There really is nothing worse than being wet and cold. 

The second experience however was something I’d never felt before. For the most part I do enjoy listening to the rain and if the mood is right playing in it. This time I had been outside since 2pm in a scorching sun light and jumping like a maniac for every band that took the stage. I had been sweating all day and looked like a mess to say the least. During the second to last act (out of 10) it began raining. Not just raining it was pouring. The craziest part about it was that everyone in the stadium embraced the rain. It could not have been more perfectly timed. It happened during a DJ, which you don’t pay much attention to anyways. Everybody began dancing and jumping and just really enjoying the rain and the relief of being so hot. It was a huge party to say the least. But for me it was even more than just a party. I’ve always heard people talk about how sometimes a rain feels like it can just wash away feelings. I’ve never fully believed it because it had never happen to me. But on this Saturday evening as soon as that first drop of rain hit my shoulder, I instantly felt a tingling sensation. As it began pouring, I put my head back and embraced the rain with open arms. As it kept raining and I kept dancing, it was almost like I had an epiphany. No matter what was going on in my life, life was meant to be celebrated. My worries about not having a job and how am I going to pay the bills, were just washed away. All that mattered was that in that moment, I was living my life the way I wanted to live it. In that moment I was sharing with my best friend I was blissfully happy. There was nothing or no one that could bring me down. And i knew in that moment I was strong. That rain washed new hope into my life. It gave me the strength I had been needing to fight and it gave me a release from all my insecurities and my worries. At that exact moment, I don’t think I had ever been so happy, genuinely happy. (Except the next day but that is a story for another time. Let’s focus on this magic rainfall.) I remember looking at my bff Beth who was there with me, and the two of us just smiled. I know she felt it too. That feeling of just pure joy. I don’t think I could have shared it with anyone better, because we have been through so much. And I will definitely say our friendship has been replenished for years to come. We have memories no one can ever take away from us. That rain revitalized not only me, not only my bestie, but our friendship.  

The experience I had was undoubtedly one that changed my life. Ever since it’s happened I’ve been genuinely happy. Do I still have insecurities? Who doesn’t? But at least I know, I got a bit more of faith in myself and that life really can be lived to the fullest.

So my piece to you is, take a moment and evaluate your life. Is it what you want to be doing? Not for anyone else but for yourself? If it’s not CHANGE IT. It is your life and you are meant to live it how you want to. And no one has the authority to tell you how to live it. I know that even though professionally I am not doing what I want to be doing, at least I’m making my way into what I want to do. And in the mean time I am enjoying my very expensive hobby of going to concerts. 

Much love and remember to always stay positive.