Okay, so today I was walking back to my desk from buying lunch when a realization came to me. And as I was texting my friend about it, I decided to just put it on here, so I could elaborate more and share with all of you. Disclaimer: anything I say in here is not meant to make anyone feel down or downgrade anyone’s jobs or passions, AT ALL. I am simply stating my opinion on my feelings right now. If I offend you I apologize profusely.
Most people when they are young, have great dreams for themselves. You know as a kid you really think you’re invincible and that you can do absolutely anything you’d like. As you grow a bit older, you start actually imagining what your life could be like. For most people, that entails having a job they like, getting married, and having kids. The whole white picket fence story. And for most of us that is more than enough.
When I was young, if you asked me what I wanted to be I would tell you two things: supermodel and working mom. The idea of being a stay at home mom never enthused me even as a lazy child. I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to have a fun exciting life. And of course at that time when people tell you, you’re so skinny and tall for your age, naturally you think Model. Duh.
As I grew up, my mentality from a kid changed drastically. I realized being a model was overrated and out of reach. I wanted the 9-5 job everyday. The going to work and coming home to my husband and kids. A safe steady job that allowed me to make my own money (I’ve always been extremely independent, unless I’m sick then that’s a different story) and spend time with my kids.That was what I wanted for myself. And I was happy with that. Those were my middle school and high school years.
When i got to college, it’s almost like I gained my childhood mentality back. I was served this whole big world on a plate and I could do whatever I wanted. Even though I knew exactly the major I was going to get since freshman year, I also knew my major was flexible and I could do absolutely ANYTHING with it. Really, I can.
But that’s when things really changed for me. Here I was faced with this whole big world, where I could live anywhere, do anything, and have anything. You can imagine things slowly started getting to me. When it came time to do the job hunt, I never felt like anything was good enough. Nothing felt big enough, if you will.
Now, I may sound a bit vain and ridiculous for saying the next few things, but I’m going to share it anyways. One thing though has always been in the back of my mind. Something inside me has always told me that I was going to be big, in some form. Like the idea of being famous, excites me. The idea of people looking up to me for guidance and as a role model, is secretly something I’ve always wanted. I wanted the big glamorous life that people would be jealous of. Now that is not to say I would be a selfish spoiled person. Something close to my heart has always been charity and working at charities, so naturally even if I was rich or poor that would still be something I would invest time and money into. Now I realize a lot of people say, material things don’t make you happy. Or money isn’t everything. I am NOT saying it is. I am saying I want the lifestyle and admiration of others. (i am not saying by any means that I’m perfect either, trust me I AM NOT PERFECT) I guess you can say, I live to please.
But day in and day out I look at the guys that work in my building and I just feel sad. Now I’m sure most of them are absolutely lovely people, who make great boyfriends/husbands/fathers. I am not saying anything bad about them at all. Maybe I feel this way because I haven’t had a decent boyfriend in quite some time & I’m sure not all celebs are great guys either, but again I feel like this is not the life I’m destined to live. You know the corporate working woman, is just not something that makes me happy.
I guess the best way I can explain this is, I’d like the Emma Watson life. She works very very hard for the recognition she has and she doesn’t take it for granted. She is humble and sweet. That is what I want. I want to be recognized for my hard work.
Most of you at this point are either shaking your heads in disbelief, offended, or hopefully understanding where I’m going with this. I hope you don’t think of me as vain and ridiculous. But for some reason it’s just something inside me that tells me that I need to live this big grand life to be happy (not that I’m not happy right now, I am, i just see bigger better things for myself). I want to go on adventures, travel around the world, and not going to lie have a famous handsome husband would not bea bad thing. Maybe that explains all my obsessions with musicians and actors. I latch on emotionally. Now, I would never ever just date someone because their famous. Let’s get that straight. I do have a heart and am a hopeless romantic, so if I ever date someone it is truly because I like them, NOT FOR FAME. As I mentioned earlier I am an independent person who likes to win her own merits.
So I guess, for now I am just going to keep working at finding what I’m meant to be doing with my life. And if in that I somehow find a little fame, well then I guess my dreams as a little girl will be fulfilled. 🙂
I was terrified to post this, because like most people I care what people think of me. But most importantly I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea about me or saying “ugh that girl just wants to be famous for all the wrong reasons.” I don’t know. I just care how others view me and I’m always incredibly careful to make sure I do give out the right idea.
PS- I sort of just rambled and I’m sorry but it’s something that has been on my mind. Especially now that I’ve restarted the job hunt and have NO clue what to do with my life.