So I’ve disappeared for a while. And to be honest it was the best thing I could have done. I basically cut off communication with most of the world and just hid. I was terrified of facing reality and of accepting something and its still hard. While my life turned upside down, the world seemed to go on like nothing had happened. That was a very angering reality to deal with. Although I never expected the world to completely stop for me, seeing everyone go on about their life while I felt like I was standing still was very difficult. I will never fully get over what happened, but it does get easier to deal with it a little bit every day. And with that comes getting my life together. Part of being lost, I will admit came from my end.
For me, one of my constant big challenges is staying motivated and optimistic while trying to find a job. This time things were different, while unemployed I was temping, which quite honestly was the best thing that could have happened to me. It gave me a few days to get out of the house and actually interact with other human beings while earning a little extra cash. But soon enough that became my excuse and still kind of is, even though I don’t want to fully admit to it.
Then came officially moving everything out of my apartment. That was a very hard step for me. Many of you reading this don’t know me personally, so you may not understand why this was particularly hard for me. I’m sure several of you are thinking: “Free rent? AWESOME! You wont have to cook every night? Heck Yes! You will have someone to drive you around? Man I want your life!” But the reality is, I am an independent person. Even though everything above is a bonus, going back to feeling like a teenager living under your parents roof is not all fun and games. Living on my own, I was independent. I did what I wanted when I wanted. If I wanted to drive down to Champaign? OK I’ll leave at 6. Wanted to go to a concert? No problem. Coming back home, rules have to be followed. I can’t go anywhere without giving my parents the details. For me I wasn’t just giving up my apartment, I was giving up my independence and freedom, along with the life and friends I had made in that city.
So that brings me to now. 23 years old (Oh yeah I got a year older) and still living at home. YAY! Don’t get me wrong I love my parents and I appreciate everything they do for me. Also I’m not sure how I would’ve dealt with everything if I hadn’t moved back home. But the honest truth is that, it’s hard.
Then came the holidays. How would we cope with it? My mom decided the best thing would be to do the last thing you’d expect to do on Christmas. So we decided to go to the sin city, Las Vegas! And in the process stop by LA, Santa Barbara and San Francisco. Needless to say I was stoked! LA twice in one year and then SF on top of it. The trip was wonderful and it was exactly what we needed. My mom the entire time kept saying I can’t wait for this year to be over. In my head I kept responding, “The year being over isn’t going to change what has happened.” Bottom line is, I just didn’t understand why she wanted the year to be over so fast.
But then came the new year, and surprisingly a new long term temporary position. And as I got ready the night before my first day, I got it. I understood what my mom meant. New years are a time for fresh starts. True as it may be that things won’t change, a new start gives us the chance to change our attitudes. I again began feeling more motivated and excited for the new year. It was the strangest thing. I was willing to see friends again and go out and do things. This I knew was the real start to the new years we all needed.
So I guess what I’m trying to say with all this gibberish is, I’m back and I will be writing more. Not sure what I’ll be writing about yet, and yes some days may not be exactly good or happy but at least it’ll be honest and real.
Buckle in and let’s see what 2014 brings us!
Much love always,