So I like to think I’m pretty open to anyone who reads this page. Well, today’s post will be another one of those where I open my heart to all of you and tell you what’s really going on. So strap in and let’s go on this ride together.
The past two posts I’ve made have been about a specific boy, and all those posts have been exactly how I feel towards him. I don’t want to give too much detail, because I am afraid of judgement. (C’mon I am only human.) But I will say this, I have seen him twice in the past week and to say it was magical is an understatement. Seeing him makes me feel excited, nervous, butterflies in my stomach and much more. The great thing about it all is as soon as we talk, everything goes away and I am absolutely comfortable. He is an incredible human and I may not know him well enough, but my feelings are true and real. (Gut feelings you know?)
But yesterday, something came to my attention which left me upset, to say the least. It seems, he has a girlfriend. Now, I’m not saying he was actively out there flirting with me, while the whole time he’s had a girlfriend. But there is absolutely no denying that there is something between us. So, as you can imagine this news came as a bit of shock. Like a normal girl, my eyes welled up and there were stings in my heart.
While I thought about all of this, I thought about what this all meant. Because being the person I am, everything in life has a reason to be happening. Suddenly, my romantic side had an explanation. Nothing in life is worthwhile if you don’t have to fight for it, you wouldn’t appreciate it as much. And have you seen a great love story if there wasn’t a struggle/conflict. Now, I hear all the realists and skeptics out there rolling their eyes and saying “oh no, this girl is so delusional.” But hear me out. If you are the kind of person that follows your instincts and gut feelings, you’ll know exactly why I’m saying what I am. When you know, you just know. And you are 100%, absolutely, positively sure. You can’t explain the why, or how but it just is.
So here’s my rational: He’s happy right now and if you care for someone you want them happy. So he’ll be in the relationship for a while. And he’ll learn and he’ll grow and go through everything you do in a relationship. Now I have no confirmed details and I don’t know her personally, but there are a lot of things that I can see as future problems. (Am I rationalizing this for my own benefit? Maybe. Am I giving myself excuses to still believe in this? Maybe.)
But you know what, it’s fine. Because in the mean time, I’m going to sort my life out. I have goals and dreams I want to fulfill in my life. There are so many things in my life right now that just don’t make me qualified to be in a relationship. (That’s the realistic rational Vicky speaking.) There are places I want to live and things I want to do, that being attached to someone wouldn’t allow me to fully enjoy them. I want to live abroad for a year, and long distance could potentially destroy the relationship. So while he’s happily in this relationship, that for my sake, won’t last forever, I’m gonna do me.
And as an individual I think it’s okay for me to say that. To figure out my life first. Having my own life can only benefit me. He’ll find me more appealing and I’ll have my things I can be proud of. Now, I hear many of you saying “You won’t be swearing off guys as a whole, right? You’ll still give other guys a chance.” And the truth is I don’t know. In my (delusional) mind he’s perfect for me and with the way my brain works, I’d only compare him to everyone else. (But you’ve never really been with him, and you’re idealizing a relationship based solely on what you know! Are you crazy?)
Here’s the full truth. In my mind I’ve always had the idea of what a perfect guy for me would be. Or at least what I look for in a guy. Now sure, there are qualities you can’t be sure of until you’re actually with them. But most of my list is actually based on seeing how they are with other people and how they act with strangers.( I think that actually says a lot about a person) So if I I go down my list (maybe I’ll write it out on another post sometime) he basically checks off every single aspect from the ‘things that are necessary’, to the ‘things that I’d really like’, to the ‘these aren’t necessary but they’d be nice’. And I think part of me has always known. I’ve been in long relationships and short ones, and there’s always been things missing. Almost as if my heart was telling me, “he’s not it, there’s someone better out there”. Like, my heart has known it all along that it was him. (Whoa, V what the heck are you even saying. You’re saying this guy you don’t really know is the love of your life? Man, you really are crazy.) I can’t know anything for sure. What I do know is this, life has a plan and fate will play its part. So meanwhile, I’m going to go out and live my life and do what I want to until it’s time and fate brings the right person to me, (Which you seem to imply is him…)
Meanwhile I’ll have my days where I’ll be very sad about the situation, and others like today where I’ll feel motivated. But whatever day it is, I’m going to really live my life. I realize this post to people who don’t know me or don’t understand how I work, may sound delusional and maybe even psychotic. All I ask is that you trust me. But more importantly the message of this post is this: always, always, always look for the bright side. There is always a bright side. Sometimes you might have to dig a little deeper. I’m going to go out into the world, accomplish things that I want to for myself and be proud of it. When the time is right, fate will present my perfect man (which I really hope is actually him) and then I’ll be ready. I think I have rambled on long enough today. Look at that 3 posts, in the same week! It’s like Christmas! (Or the diary of a crazy person!) Either way I hope you enjoyed it! Please feel free to leave comments below!
Much love always!