Dear Little Brother

Today i want to share something even more personal than I normally do, a letter I wish my little brother could read.

Dear Little Brother,

First of all, I miss you more than you can imagine. You were taken from this world too soon. But I can’t be mad because I have to believe you are in a better place now. And now I can’t believe it’s been more than a year and half since you’ve been gone. It’s crazy how time flies. It feels like we lost you yesterday. 

There are still times, where I see something and I’m like “I should totally get that! My brother would love it!” And then I’m faced with the sad reality that I can’t give you anything physical. There are things I want to tell you and I realize that I won’t ever hear a response. Sometimes I wish I could hug you, even though you hated hugs. (But thank you for letting me hug you one final time the last time I saw you.)  I miss our arguments and our banter, because that’s what made our relationship special. You were my first best friend.  

People tell you that every day it will get easier. And you know it does get easier to deal with it all, but the longing and the pain of losing you is still as strong as the day I got the news. That will never go away, and I hope that shows you just how much I love you. 

I want you to know that I am living my life to fullest and going for my dreams because I know that is exactly what you would have wanted. And I still remember that day before we went bowling when you said “If that’s what you really want to do, then go for it!” Our family is doing our best to make sure your memory lives on not only in our life but in the life of those who love you. 

You were a good guy, with a heart of gold. You believed the best in people. You were always willing to hear someone’s life story, including people we often overlook like the homeless. I know it was your time to leave this world, but I know deep in my heart that you would’ve done something great with your life. 

To me you will always be the little brother I protected. My partner in crime, when one of us had a terrible idea. You will always be the little boy that would stand next to me and hold my hand. I knew all three of us could face the world together because no matter what you had our back. And now you still do, just from a different angle. 

I love you always,

Your big sis.

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Those are just some of the things I wish I could tell my little brother. To all of you who have ever thought or are thinking about suicide, read this note again and again. My brother didn’t die of suicide, he passed away in his sleep. But the pain of losing someone is the same regardless of how you lose them, if not more when it’s a suicide. Please consider those you will be leaving behind when you make that decision. The pain it will bring them. Of course, my brother had no say in the matter, but I want you to know how it feels. How hard it is sometimes to just deal with a few hours in the day when you miss someone so much it physically hurts you. To end on a good note, just remember how much love is out there. Pain comes from love, and you can imagine how strong my pain is because of how much love I had. Sorry for the sad post but sometimes you just need to express how you really feel. If this helps one person out there, I will be happy.

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